| work; Murray Not Welcome | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 12 2007, 08:28 PM (71,233 Views) | |
| Violence Chien | Feb 19 2010, 04:19 PM Post #5911 |
Saginaw Man
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Were you not assigned one? |
| I just bought a bag of the new Starburst, and I definity have mixed impressions - the blackcurrant are far nicer now (not difficult) and the orange taste more like oranges. The lemon-lime have gone downhill, completing Masterfoods' hatchet job on them, and the strawberry are about the same. Not the total disaster suggested, at least. | |
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| Explanation Mark | Feb 19 2010, 04:25 PM Post #5912 |
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Dungeon Rapist Father
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I wasn't assigned with a gender, no. I was born with one. The best gender. The man gender. |
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| Violence Freyja | Feb 19 2010, 04:26 PM Post #5913 |
Stalker
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Hey Explanation Mark, I know the answer to this one! Parents of children who are born intersexed (i.e. hermaphrodites), are often encouraged to 'choose' a gender for their newborn, which it is then given relevant surgical procdures to fit its anatomy to. This often causes problems in later likfe, though, for example if the child feels to be a gender other than the one chosen for them. Probably it's just aa shittily-written form, though. |
| Le sigh | |
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| Violence Chien | Feb 19 2010, 04:27 PM Post #5914 |
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Saginaw Man
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You saw the episode of House where that happened, didn't you? |
| I just bought a bag of the new Starburst, and I definity have mixed impressions - the blackcurrant are far nicer now (not difficult) and the orange taste more like oranges. The lemon-lime have gone downhill, completing Masterfoods' hatchet job on them, and the strawberry are about the same. Not the total disaster suggested, at least. | |
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| Explanation Mark | Feb 19 2010, 04:31 PM Post #5915 |
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Dungeon Rapist Father
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Yeah, that pretty much sums up all my thoughts. Have a gold star.
Edited by Explanation Mark, Feb 19 2010, 04:31 PM.
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| Foxy Bingo | Feb 19 2010, 04:51 PM Post #5916 |
Friss den braunen Block!
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----- It is hard to feel for the little whale baby, because he is clearly a zombie. | |
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| R.Galvin | Feb 19 2010, 08:38 PM Post #5917 |
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Crusader
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Todays Work Guess Who - Rasnock edition. Just like normal Guess Who game except instead of pictures of loads of different people with various facial features. (i.e. Glasses or Not Glasses) Instead it is all pictures of Rasnock. Rasnock has the following characteristics – Ginger beard, Clown Nose, Bald head, Wide grin, Wand of Rasnock. The aim of the game is to guess who it is (it is Rasnock) however you cannot say it is Rasnock because if you say his name then the board will go electrical. Also if you try and whittle down the people by saying “Does he have clown nose?” then it could still be Rasnock because he does have a clown nose! The main way of winning is to look at the pictures of Rasnock so much that you start looking like him, after 5 minutes the one who looks most like Rasnock is the winner and stands a good chance of becoming the successor to Rasnock if anything happens. (Nothing will ever happen to Rasnock) A hunter tale Danny Snow was a hunter who lived in the jungle continent. He was a serious man and to show this he put stickers on his hunting gun to make it look smart and also to let people know it was his hunting gun. His main catchphrase before he shot a bison would be “This is not a joke – shoot a bison” and then he would shoot it. Most of the time he would hit the bison but sometimes he would miss because of the bison moving or something getting in the way i.e. someone throws a coke can out of a high window because the recycling bin is full. Danny Snow had great confidence in his hunting ability and the world agreed. When FHM (Fabulous hunter magazine) produced its list of best 100 hunters the top 10 looked like this. 1. The hunter from Jumanji 2. Martian Manhunter 3. Kraven the Hunter 4. Allan Quatermain 5. Gene Hunt(er) 6. Hunter S. Thompson 7. Danny Snow 8. Van Helsing 9. The Deer hunter 10. Basshunter So he wasn’t number one but it was a respectable showing, it was an honour just to be in the top ten. After all the bald hunter from Thundercats never even made the list. Anyway Danny Snow was in the jungle and he came across a lion which had a thorn in its paw, he shot the lion to put it out of its misery. Later when fell down a hole the ghost of the lion came helped by lowering down a mystic ladder. Danny Snow was even allowed to keep the mystic ladder as a souvenir of the day and it had the following properties 1. Changeable ladder skins 2. Fold away for convenience 3. always reach the top of something no matter how high. 4. always reach the bottom of something no matter how low. Danny noted that items 3 and 4 might not always happen at the same time but he didn’t mind because the marketing men have to make their money too. Another time a rich man from the big city came and paid Danny Snow to be in a Hollywood film he went with him on the arrangement that there was to be no nudity. While wandering around the city someone tried to mug him with a little knife but Danny Snow just said “That’s not a knife, THIS is a knife” and then shot him. Later on when Danny Snow was thrown out of an airlock and had not much oxygen left the ghost of the mugger brought him a magic spaceship which had the following qualities 1. Flies in space 2. 50 years worth of oxygen 3. Big Cannon but using it reduces the oxygen by five minutes. 4. Sarcastic computer . Danny drove the spaceship back to earth but when he got there it was ten years in the future and the FBI were chasing him so he had to take some evasive manoeuvres to get to his own time. Using his future knowledge Danny won the lottery and then bought an even bigger gun which in fishing terms was a bit like a drag net. It killed everything in a thirty mile radius and then Danny would go around collecting his prizes. Did he have to worry about crows picking at the eyes before he could get to them? Of course not as all the nearby crows were also dead except those that were flying over thirty miles ahead or who were on the edge and so would come and get the animals on the edge before he got their. He also bought himself a Danny wagon to get him from place to place, he could have used the spaceship but he suspected the breaks were faulty and also he might go forward in time again. He didn’t want to end up in the time of the lizard people! In the end Danny Snow had hunted enough things so he moved into a lodge where he told stories about defeating natives. He was a happy man. The end. The man who was obsessed with Wario So anyway there used to be this man who was very average. His main job was to shuffle paper around so people thought he was useful but sometimes he also had to copy things by hand because the company he worked for felt photocopiers were the work of the devil. (The boss did not understand how they worked.) This made his hand become cramped and rigid but the man did not complain because whenever he tried to speak the people spurned him. This was because he had a very boring timbre to his voice but also because he was quite short and people often had trouble seeing him. Some people saw right through him but this was a metaphorical condition rather than a physical one. Although he was quite thin because eating carbs made him racist. If you asked the man what his most important things in life were he would have said “Financial security, Cup of Tea and Winter coat” however no one ever asked him because everyone thought he was dull because he once spent 3 hours talking to Thomas Knuckles about the best place to get cheap shopping, in the end Thomas Knuckles gave him the old Knuckle 1-2 which is alright for Thomas Knuckles because what else do you expect? But no one else would get away with that! For this reason people referred to the man as Figaro: The man of empty. The real name of the man was Rantasimo but that sounded like a magical name like the borrowers so it was seldom used except in official capacities such as using banking facilities and even then it raised eyebrows. However one day Rantasimo became obsessed with Wario after seeing a picture of him in a local shop. He immediately went out and bought the following x1 N64 x1 Mario Kart 64 which came to a grand total of £150 in those days. People noticed that he had got more interesting because instead of talking about traffic calming measures he just said “Ehhhehehe” or “Good Choice” also he started wearing a yellow hat. He tried to grow a wonky moustache but it was impossible for this he could thank his ancestry. Eventually the man made a casual acquaintance who also liked playing Mario kart. It wasn’t his favourite game (his favourite game was spacestation silicone valley) but they still had fun. Of course once they stopped playing the fun stopped and the acquaintance had to leave immediately. They often used to joke about how Rantasimo always picked Wario and to make sure no one else picked Wario he would shot WARIO DIBS before a race. This took quite a lot to say so then the man just started saying “WADIB” and then “WA”. While efficient this had unforeseen results when the acquaintance brought another man round named Garry Cooper for playing 3 players. Contrary to his name Garry Cooper picked Wario as he thought the WA was some sudden exclamation having not being present during the evolution of the phrase. Rantasimo was so enraged that he killed Garry Cooper and then the two of them had to bury him in the garden. The acquaintance was forced into helping because of fear and shock. After this the relationship went downhill and the acquaintance wished to not see Rantasimo anymore, as a parting gift he left him Mario Party 3 on the doorstep. How delighted was Rantasimo to find Wario could do more than race humorously undersized cars. He became as sensation on the local club scene with his new catchphrase “Wario is the party star” and even appeared on the local news when he got the world record for biggest fan of Wario in Pontefract; at least that’s what the man who took the pictures told him. Now if you asked him the man would say his top three things were “Wario, “Oh Boy” and “Ehhehe”. It seemed like the good times would never end. However people lost interest in Rantasimo and soon they all realised he only had about 4 different lines of dialogue, most of which involved “eheheh” the parties stopped and Rantasimo was left alone, even worse a group of children dressed as Mario stamped on his head and left him concussed. He spent several weeks in hospital reflecting on his life and although he recovered physically the doctors remarked that it had been a traumatic event and that he should probably have counselling. Rantasimo agreed and the first session was arranged for Monday afternoon. Doctor Felt noted with annoyance that his patient never turned up and sent some orderlies round to fetch Rantasimo. However all they found was poor Rantasimo strung up to the rafters and beginning to smell. A note was found which said simply “Oh boy!” and the matter was dropped, mostly because the Chief of Police was Rantasimo’s father and no one wanted the matter to cause embarrassment to the family. However many people suspect Garry Cooper’s brother who had been snooping around with a shovel and also happened to be a trained hangman. Just how did Rantasimo manage to tie such professional knots? The End. |
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bobbins.tk Automated man with a postbox mouth - Zac Effron | |
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| Purple SpaceAnus | Feb 20 2010, 10:31 AM Post #5918 |
Pictures and/or Voice
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My boss has been away for the last couple of days. He told me to finish up my current round of tests by the end of the week, and I said I would. Then I spent most of Thursday afternoon spacing out at my desk and discussing Metal Gear Solid 2 with a co-worker. So, yesterday, I stayed behind for an extra hour to finish up. But then, at about 5.25, the senior management guy in charge of our building spotted me working dilligently after everyone else had gone home, and we had a nice chat. My boss has previously informed me that he believes people should stay at work until the current job is done, and hates 'clock-watchers' who leave as soon as their contracted hours are over. Which is, of course, what I have done every other day since I started here. Staying behind to do pointless voluntary overtime is great. |
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| King Science | Feb 20 2010, 11:23 AM Post #5919 |
Mooncup
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your boss sounds like a wanker. |
 an incredibly lurid close-up of an anus. | |
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| King Science | Feb 20 2010, 11:24 AM Post #5920 |
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Mooncup
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i bet he'd fucking hate it if people left early, having finished all their alloted jobs for the day. |
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an incredibly lurid close-up of an anus. | |
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| Nuclear Murderer | Feb 20 2010, 11:26 AM Post #5921 |
Space Jerk-off
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how dare people do what they are contracted to do and nothing more, leaving on time to carry on with their lives outside of work |
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| Nuclear Murderer | Feb 20 2010, 11:26 AM Post #5922 |
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Space Jerk-off
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what a cunt |
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| Purple SpaceAnus | Feb 20 2010, 11:34 AM Post #5923 |
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Pictures and/or Voice
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No, I mean my boss doesn't really care, but the manager guy who happened to spot me does. |
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| Violence Danzig | Feb 20 2010, 12:12 PM Post #5924 |
Black President
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You'll be guzzling your way up the corporate chain in no time Owen. |
| NOOOO! FATHER! STOP TRYING TO DRIVE OVER JEWS! D: | |
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| cloudfilter | Feb 20 2010, 12:28 PM Post #5925 |
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I hope R. Galvin didn't type all that excellent stuff out but instead spoke it all into dictation software in the middle of his office while his coworkers all diligently stared at their own screens pretending not to notice. |
 "When a dead man weeps," the Crow Doctor said solemnly, "it is a sure sign that he is on the mend."
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| Purple SpaceAnus | Feb 21 2010, 07:40 PM Post #5926 |
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Sunday evening has become a sort of race to clean up all of the filth that I have piled around myself during the week in my post-work indolence, before Lark Rise brings my week to a close. Then I will sleep and the cycle will begin again. |
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| Violence Chien | Feb 21 2010, 07:40 PM Post #5927 |
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Saginaw Man
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Look at little Owen all grown up. We're so proud |
| I just bought a bag of the new Starburst, and I definity have mixed impressions - the blackcurrant are far nicer now (not difficult) and the orange taste more like oranges. The lemon-lime have gone downhill, completing Masterfoods' hatchet job on them, and the strawberry are about the same. Not the total disaster suggested, at least. | |
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| Purple SpaceAnus | Feb 21 2010, 08:23 PM Post #5928 |
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I went for a walk around town yesterday and was brilant, and then today I went to see Ponyo (three stars; "Adorable!") and walked up to the top of the local castle in the snow and it was even more brilant. All of this was made possible by the beautiful machinations of capitalism. |
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| Violence Freyja | Feb 21 2010, 08:26 PM Post #5929 |
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Stalker
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Which town? Blackburn? Does Blackburn have a castle? |
| Le sigh | |
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| cancer horse | Feb 21 2010, 08:27 PM Post #5930 |
Citric idiot
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that reminds me - i got a rebate on my council tax yeah... screw you thatcher! |
| ...press 3 if you are being hunted down by wolves... | |
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| dng | Feb 21 2010, 08:27 PM Post #5931 |
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Black President
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No one has ever been for a walk before owen did it |
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| Violence Chien | Feb 21 2010, 08:30 PM Post #5932 |
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Saginaw Man
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I'm going to destroy capitalism, so enjoy it while you can. |
| I just bought a bag of the new Starburst, and I definity have mixed impressions - the blackcurrant are far nicer now (not difficult) and the orange taste more like oranges. The lemon-lime have gone downhill, completing Masterfoods' hatchet job on them, and the strawberry are about the same. Not the total disaster suggested, at least. | |
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| Violence Chien | Feb 21 2010, 08:31 PM Post #5933 |
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Saginaw Man
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I also got a refund on my Council Tax. Kingston council won't be painting any fancy road markings this year. |
| I just bought a bag of the new Starburst, and I definity have mixed impressions - the blackcurrant are far nicer now (not difficult) and the orange taste more like oranges. The lemon-lime have gone downhill, completing Masterfoods' hatchet job on them, and the strawberry are about the same. Not the total disaster suggested, at least. | |
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| Purple SpaceAnus | Feb 21 2010, 08:49 PM Post #5934 |
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Clitheroe's skyline is dominated by a delightful Norman fort sat atop a hill in the centre of town. |
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| Violence Freyja | Feb 21 2010, 10:04 PM Post #5935 |
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Stalker
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Oh yeah, that thing. I'd quite like to go there sometime. |
| Le sigh | |
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| Purple SpaceAnus | Feb 21 2010, 10:33 PM Post #5936 |
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*wink* |
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| R.Galvin | Feb 22 2010, 01:03 PM Post #5937 |
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Crusader
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Todays Work Edward Jamster came from a well-to-do family who made all their money during the 60’s by selling ivory from a boutique on Carnaby Street. Pop stars of the day i.e. Paul McCartney would often come in to get the ivory for use in special pianos. In fact Edward’s grandfather (Nelson Jamster) personally sold Brian Wilson the ivory for the Theremin used in good vibrations – at least that’s what he said it was for. The Jamster family lived the life of luxury and thought the good times would never end. However they did end because THATCHER banned the sale of ivory and also made it so that all pop stars had to live in Sheffield and use instruments made of bin lids. Of course the Jamster family went bankrupt because it’s all wheelie bins down south so the lids are attached and they don’t make much of a noise anyway. It certainly didn’t help that the by now elderly Nelson Jamster decided to spend the remainder of the family fortune on high power rifles. In any case Edward may have been born with a silver spoon in the mouth but it soon melted into the bitter taste of poverty. That is how a man came from riches to being an unhappy bus driver. In many ways he was lucky because he had never learned to drive and only got the job because Roger Daltry bought the bus company as a pension plan during the 70’s and owed Grandad Jamster a favour. (Unfortunately he could not repay this favour directly because Nelson Jamster went missing trying to arrange an arms deal in Singapore.) Edward disliked being a bus driver and was contemptuous of his passengers; he would often spit at them through the holes in the plastic driver shield or say “Why don’t you learn to drive?” He knew full well that the man he said that to suffered from a form of epilepsy which meant he had to take special medication that made it unlawful for him to drive. The man became very upset and at first Edward felt bad but then he convinced himself that the man deserved it because he could have had a knife and also if he wasn’t so reliant on his pills he could control his fitting through natural medicine. On other occasions Edward would not let people off the bus and when they asked to be let off he would open the door and say “You have to jump from my bus.” He knew this would be dangerous for them but he did not think that common people had any thoughts or feelings so he wasn’t that bothered. Edward’s only pleasure was watching the film Speed and then fantasising about what would happen if Dennis Hopper attached some bombs to his bus. So far he had thought up 5 different plans for getting out of the situation alive and was working on a 6th but he couldn’t quite get the details correct. The methods were as follows… 1. Hold the needle on the speedometer at 35 with his finger so it couldn’t fall below and set the bomb off. 2. Get some men to bring scuba gear onto the bus and then crash the bus into the sea. 3. Press a button and then the bus launches into space – far out of the range of Dennis Hopper’s radio detonator. 4. Pretend to have a limp to trick someone into defusing the bombs with a special spray. 5. Kill Dennis Hopper before he gets near the bus. His sixth plan involved driving into the mirror world so that the bomb became the opposite of a bomb (a bus putting together machine.) However he wasn’t brilant at telling left from right as it was so it would get confusing. Also the problem with the mirror world is that entrances become exits so as soon as you drive a bus into it you just come out the other side. This is why many people do not even realise they have been into the mirror world or do not know that it exists. However it definity does exist because there was a mirror with a door handle on in Dorothy Perkins and where else would it lead!? (There is no explanation why he was in Dorothy Perkins and if you tried to ask him he would become aggressive and say “What are you doing in MY FACE?” Anyway Roger Daltry arranged for three ghosts to visit Edward during the night to try and make him be a better bus driver. He could have just sacked him but that’s not the way that Roger Daltry does things. From then on Edward Jamster knew how to drive the bus very well indeed if any man possessed the knowledge until one day when he remembered his old life and smashed the bus into a shopping centre. The End |
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bobbins.tk Automated man with a postbox mouth - Zac Effron | |
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| cancer horse | Mar 25 2010, 09:10 PM Post #5938 |
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Citric idiot
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i think i might work with one of the new banner people |
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| dng | Mar 25 2010, 09:12 PM Post #5939 |
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Black President
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Me? |
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| cancer horse | Mar 25 2010, 09:15 PM Post #5940 |
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Citric idiot
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hmmm... now i come to think of it there is someone at work who looks a bit like you as well |
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